modnar

........i am a horrible piano player / student.

every week i see mr tan with a bit of guilt cause i havent touched a seen a musical score for the past 6 days and worst, havent even pressed a note. yet for some reason every week he finds a reason to praise my progress while i know that i havent improved since the first day. ooo well, next week i shall demonstrate i know one long worm is a chord and 4/2 is the time signature loolllloool (this week i showed him i could play without those dumb numbers he writes at the bottom of notes). mel told me even a 6 year old could do that. o well if there is a half day this week i shall devote it to playing the piano heheh! heres my oath! and heres that i remember it * <--

i think i am wasting time again, one of the sergeants from OETI passed me his computer for me to try to repair it, unfortunately the only thing it has is a motherboard instantly changing the word repair to replace. its quite old actually, and i wonder how many internal security acts i have violated by accessing his hard drive so i think i shall not and just inform him he needs a new computer.

theres something very interesting about how kids turn out when they are old. my mother was telling me how the way 4 of us cousins played lego we would open the giant crate and then go into our 4 corners and start fixing our own stuff after that we would combine everything together and build a base. hmm and that was all. rather boring i must say that this is a far cry from the way my youngest cousin plays his toys for he just grabs a bus and goes "VROOM" and "EKKKKKKKKK" while the rest of the family looks on flabbergasted. i admit i have no parenting experiance but i wouldnt want my child to end up like that cause i like quieter boys since if your valve is open you are bleeding your system, i like my valve closed so it gets more input. in the end however it would be interesting to see if he ends up like us. 4 of us grew up together and i find theres a rather strange similarity in our behaviours which i cant elucidate at the moment cause i am far too unintelligent.

sigh 1 year 6 months to ORD.......................................................................................................................................

and i have to admit i cringe on this day almost every year cause .. i dont know, dont really have a good reason to, i guess its just awkward shaking hands, getting squashed (tau pok), nipple pinched and punched but i guess its a nice gauge of how popular you are with the current batch of people you hang out with. frankly, i think i am notorious cause i always get no presents except lots of kicks and punches haha, but you know what, its better to be notorious then a nobody boohoohoo......... =( or some emo kid who wants everyone to wish her happy birthday or she might cry and then she will forget to wish all those people who wished her happy birthday on their birthdays.

its 11pm now, way past my bedtime and i failed to play a single note on the piano today because i am getting cocky. just because i think i can play a pop song in 2 piano lessons makes me so cocky i dream of holding my own concert (on youtube) one day, yes thats how cocky i am!!!!!!111111 haha, i am quite high cause its past my bedtime.

can i be abstract though? sometimes it seems like we will never be satisfied. i wished for a star and i got a universe and now i find it harder to find my way but really, if i wished for a universe and only got a star wouldnt i be less disappointed since a star would be a much more touching gift and its quite close to a universe (only about a few hundred thousand more would complete the collection). i am sorry, thats what taking the mrt a hour a day does to you. for the record though, heres the quote i remember every birthday.

today is the first day of the rest of your life.

.....i started learning about the L50 volvo forklift today............... thats the rest of my life =(..........................ololl

sometimes i really wonder why am i doing this.

'this' i dont quite know refers to what unfortunately.

strange. i forgot why am i typing too.

i am not resigned.

perhaps oppressed

though, never really present.

yet these hands of mine have gained talent over this very very boring period. for every word and thought i do not speak out, it saps into energy... you know like how the vehicle clutch transfers mechanical.. nvm, i shall not boast of my 2nd A grade for caterpillar technology... but it seems this creative force is quite significant because even i am impressed (thats a word i use once a year). sigh i am thinking too much of myself again, its kind of like the brain is doing a critical analysis on the actions of the body. truly, i should have never started this livejournal for these thoughts are, to me personally, as equally shallow as a SAF technician, as immature as a 18 year old and worst, time wasting. unfortunately i feel that writing randomly gives me a rather nice escape from the reality that life is very empty even when all my hands are filled.

quite randomly, i remembered a point where it was exceptionally bright. during primary school on one of the occasions where we had morning prayers. i have never told anyone but i felt 'light'. i didnt drink or take drugs during primary school so it wasnt my senses warped, in fact i think i was more mature in primary school then now. it was a very "bright" feeling i cant explain with words, as if you were suddenly separated from the hall and placed ..in front of god the holy spirit. i really distinctly remembering it felt so at ease. a full spectrum from the feeling of emptiness i seem to encounter so often nowadays. perhaps it was a dream.

but the most significant event this week was seeing serene. because you know its been REALLY a long time since you seen a pretty girl in real life when your heart stops for so long that your mouth begins to open to gasp for air. and even more deadly is the fact that you have nothing to say and can only look away as she finds you distinctly familar as the one she had to wake up every english lesson. AH...................................... i shared my thoughts with the internet thus no longer can staff sergeant eh (thats really his surname) say i am too depressive.

i swear doing guard duty is absurdity annoying.

its like... well drinking.

you see, at 3am in the morning holding a rifle with the prospect of not letting it go for the next 2 years plus extreme boredom always seems to be the ultimate truth serum. i was a victim of it for the first time a month ago but i guess i got used to going into a coma-like state in the army (finally). actually sometimes it might be because what the other party is saying is far more interesting then what i have to say. because it seems all NS men are depressed with the exception of those happily attached (those are either paranoid or suicidal) and the regulars whom chose this life willingly.

the most common topic seems to be ... the lack of meaning.

*shivers*

lack of meaning.

i could hear the world debating outside my window.

i hate life seriously. it pisses me off so badly, i hate doing everything, why do i have to shit? why cant i just absorb sunlight daily like plants instead of spending a hour throwing oil and proteins into my mouth. sorry that was random.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

truth be told, i think i am very lucky. cause i am one of those who can find self-satisfaction very easily. hell, i find toasting hash browns satisfying yet i cant help but wonder why it seems that everyone has high expectations of their lifes and when things dont go to plan, they get... depressed. the why question is the one always not considered but i would like to test myself for i am told dennis has a bipolar personality.

1) I dont have friends to hang out with.

Answer : WHY? why dont you have friends to hang out with? lets see, the very factors for the establishment of friendships are similarity in interests / character as the fixed factor with situation as the variable when we look at your position, you are a stay out technician with 12 people in singapore with the same vocation as you and that your interests at con-current are non-existent i guess its alright to have no friends cause i not "click". strange, sometimes i think i dont have friends too, then i go make some new ones.

2) Theres no meaning in what I do.

Answer : WHY? why is there no meaning? sure they have to lecture us on our contributions to the army as technicians but ultimately i think its the stage of limbo of being in the middle of bliss and dementia that makes one question meaning in the first place. to me, theres nothing wrong to be in that area, theres satisfaction enough studying automotive technology and getting a free certificate after this bloody 6 month course.

3) I have no girlfriend.

Answer : WHY? =( i dunno also leh. I guess i cant answer this question since i dont have one too but if it makes you depressed i shall add that its because you aint even looking for one.

4) I love Jay Chou.

Answer : WHY? oops sorry for procrastinating but SECRET... its such an awesome movie, everything about it is awesome, its something different and.. more for teenagers though i am gonna sack the next retard who says that its only for teenagers cause truth be told; immature people have all the fun while the mature just watch. i really liked the setting, the casting, the story, the girl (the lun mei ssoemthing one) and of course i loved jay and his l33t piano playing skills. i want to play as well as him one day. the movie was also damm sad, so sad i had to take out my handphone and play puzzle bubble half-way cause i scared brin would see me cry and that would be the end of my manhood. SIGH i want to watch it again. and honestly i am rather tired of people criticising mandopop, they should just keep to themselves and divulge from this genre that gives a lot of fun and happiness. yayayayaya mandarin lacks depth but if an indian female literature teacher can get addicted to Jay Chou, i think its pretty good considering a chinese worker from guangzhou will never understand what the hell damien rice's cannonball (da jia tan) is about.

*just realised the comparision was a little off.

i keep recalling a few words.

dream.

void.

night.

dark.

to be honest, army wasnt been a waste of time.

it seems that I have traveled in time and grew younger back into my secondary school days. yet I am not young, in fact I am 19 this year. I could handle that constant state of limbo for the 4 years in secondary school, constantly sleeping at 2am and waking up at 5am but it seems that age has caught up with me, literally. I cant seem to understand a lot of things these days, why people are the way they are, why I continue to do things that I know are incredibly stupid and childish only to realize that I what I did was really stupid and childish 1 day later. Perhaps you know, maybe I have 2 brains and the smarter one seems to work subconsciously at a slower rate. I attribute this to the fact I .... I dont know, whenever something bothers me too much, a sudden streak of luck puts me back on the "heres a reason to be happy" mood. hmm but am I really happy? ahh, heres a sure sign I am not in limbo, I am second guessing myself. anyway I got an A for automative theory after sleeping for every lesson, heres a reason to be happy today dennis and proof that you are a science student since you never got A for history.

I think my personality has became warped to the extent its actually disturbing to the eccentric side of me that I feel has no play when I write or perhaps it does to-night. I feel that life has became a dream because I have dreamt of such a life. I dream that a good life should have many beautiful moments and for the past 6 months there were many. Running along the coastal route at Pulau Tekong, finishing Field camp and 24 km... actually telling a guy I missed him so much. Most recently has to be seeing a scene almost straight out of crouching tiger, hidden dragon when a strong wind blew stacks of dead leaves onto the parade square in Ayer Rajah camp. I dreamt I always wanted to express myself in music which I never had the time to really explore and now I got a piano in my room and an Ipod as due respect to consumerism (all artistes have Ipods dont you know!!). umm although I never did dream of exercising and being fashion obsessive it seems I have picked up an expensive compulsion. lastly I always dreamt of having a super computer and I am typing on one now. Perhaps my real dream was really to be born in a rich family and to be able to splurge as if my father had a patent on every word in the english dictionary. Still........ if I am living in a dream, whos living my life?. My dream ends here.

Which seems to explain the word of "void". I cant seem to remember why this word. Let me try to reason it out. The void is Slithis's realm or rather his creation no ones quite sure but its as beautiful as a cloudless night according to some people. The hindu serpent is quite a father who takes offerings in the destruction of souls, great souls, whether waned or killed. Actually I think can sum it up all easily. I am alive only at the darkest night, living in a dream, cast in a void.

But I ask myself, its it really important to think, at all? when tomorrow I will not be the one living and someone else will be in my place. He has a show for everyone already rehearsed, already planned so well that to the extent perhaps, this show might never ever end. Yet rest assured, you always see the truth in words and maybe one day

anyway I am finding playing the C major in piano quite easy and do you know that jay chou's new movie is DAMMMM GOOD! everyone should see it lah ogmogmgmo

i went to econ(onomic) nursing home today to follow old folks to vivo city and push them around........ i sure am a big bully..... thats the shitz. lots of shitz around. go cop it if you have the chance.

i should be studying for SAF...... god fark that WORD..... SAF..... farking farking farking it well .........

shit. SAF's test this week, i think its on the 27th just thought you might want to know...

reading edison chen's blog degrades your IQ for 5 minutes.................

(places all his soft toys on his piano and takes pictures of his shoes)

ok i think i need slep.

Forewords :

1) The truth is i dont know why i am writing, i just write.

2) I apologize to you, yourself, me, myself, that I / you should lose passion in writing / reading this. And I apologize if  I wasted your time. Sorry.

Chapter 1.

Vivec is a beautiful neighborhood. 5 Miles away from the Central, the town formed a tiny glowing orange mole on the white fluorescent face of London. Ad mist the bright row of terrace houses at Vivec, stood an apartment and ad mist its facing windows, one stood out of the rest, it was closed and its lights were off.

"DIOOOOOOOOONNNNN!!!!!!" screamed the hallway.

"Fuck" a thoughful vocal responded. The boy laid in a bed of sweat; his collar drenched with his own saliva as a rather flabbergasted old soft toy looked appalling at his owner as if not accustomed to seeing a human make a fool out of himself. Hanging from the ceiling an array of US Army dolls looked down with their full battle order as if wondering if their ambush was still necessary. Dion opened half of his eyes, staring at the magazine rack next to his bed realizing he had pushed his ipod into it...... along with can of coke he had wasted the previous night. "Haha" he thought to himself, "Thats pretty funny." As if instinctively he turned around to look at Dino, his stuffed dinosaur. "dinnnooo (sound of dinosaur sighing in a cute way") Before Dion could turn his drool-drenched pillow to the other side, the hallway screamed his name again. "What the Fuck!". He took off, hitting his foot on a push-up assistor along the way.

"Fried rice fuck." Dion stared at the dinner table but before another thought could register, his father let out another cry "DIOOONN!!" Dion let out a kick at the direction of the distraction, spraying rice all over. For a second time seemed to stop as if to capture the pathos of his act. Dion could see everything so clearly, his father let out a frown... yet his lips pouted slowly as if not able to decide if sadness or anger was the expression to conjure, his mother stared at him blankly. And suddenly, his father was covered with rice and his mother headed towards to the kitchen. "Oops" he smiled and carried on eating his food as if it had suddenly turned into a plate of fried chicken wings. The food was good and had been cooked by his father. "This isnt too bad" Dion scooped a 2nd mouthful, discovering that he was quite hungry after a 3 hour nap. Then he looked at his mother cleaning up the mess he had created on his own father. The food suddenly turned bitter as Dion teared for a millisecond. He stood up.

Far away in Taiwan, another father too, was close to tearing.

"Are you sure you got everything?"

"Yes Papa, dont worry, its only a few months, I will be back before you know it, besides it will be like a holiday there."

"Thats what I am afraid of, each time I let you have your way.... "

"WA LAU!!!!!!!!"

"Hahah..ha, I am sorry, can Papa be worried? each time you go off, you come back a different person"

"No...."

"Yes... but no matter girl.... you will always be my kite, you will fly higher and more beautiful and no matter what I am always holding on to the string here, I will never let it go, I will never let it break. No matter what happens, you can always come back here.

"Here" she thought.

"Take care my daughter"

"Yes Papa..."

Before he could hug her, his kite had flown into the departure hall.

Woo Soo King was on patrol duty when he saw a girl whizz pass him. It was a brief glance yet his instant response was to shout  into his walkie talkie.

"EH CHIO BU CHIO BU PIANG SIBEI CHIO CANNOT TAKE IT"

"CHEE BYE, call you patrol airport you come and chio bu chio bu" his sergeant retorted.

"HAHA you better make sure your 'gun' on safety, shoot here sure get charged you know!" replied a fellow policeman.

Soo King couldnt recognize the last voice, he had started brisk walking prancing like a hungry wolf stalking its pray, literally dashing into the waiting hall, scaring the shit out of a few jews and arabs thinking they were about to get shot for looking like terrorists (again) then he saw her from a corner, almost slipping in the process on the wet floor as he stopped. She had short hair, a sharp nose with a bubble on its tip, her lips had a gentle S contour, perhaps hiding a radiant smile behind. Her eyes were covered with large sunglasses, the kind Soo King would see westerners wearing. She sat there rather restless, swinging her legs as her hands held a black leather bag. He took one step forward as his mind processed the best way to get her number...when he heard the familar loud chinking of sprinting combat boots... too late.

The wolfpack collied with its leader head on, spewing 4 fully armed and body armor replete policemen on the floor. Soo King quickly regained composure but it was a tad too late again, she was gone. Meanwhile his walkie talkie begun vomiting hokkien expletives....

You are 19 this year, currently studying at the Ordnance Engineering Training Institute under the compulsory 2 year National Service for all Singaporean male citizens.

The truth is after 19 years of existence you have came to a very sad conclusion. that you are your best friend. It seems the inner mind is the most powerful of reassurances and that the most satisfying state is solitude. Ahh.. that statement alone gives you solitude doesnt it?  It seems that 6 small year old (19 years old in human years) flying horse (soon to be pergasi in 40 years) is longer intellectually stimulating enough and perhaps typing into the void of the internet would finally give rest to an extremely restless mind. But really, you should continue, for you yourself as a topic is getting extremely boring.

P.S I am sorry, should a random soul stumble upon this and find the future disturbing and sick for the truth is my passion, is disturbing and sick.